


being me (the best i can)

by anaemicvampire



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Quentin Coldwater, this is vague at best but i am simply tired and dysphoric and wanted to write about him, written by a trans person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 12:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21445984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anaemicvampire/pseuds/anaemicvampire
Summary: Quentin has held a secret close to his chest, pun not intended, his whole life.Here, we see him telling the people that mean the most to him.
Relationships: Quentin Coldwater & Julia Wicker, Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh
Comments: 8
Kudos: 90





	being me (the best i can)

**Author's Note:**

> literally no one:  
me: ok so im gonna write a trans!q fic where he comes out, and im NOt projecting.......
> 
> anyways!!! ive only seen like 3 fics in this fandom of trans!q which is a crime, bc as a trans guy who kins quentin, i must say it is what we deserve. most other fics have been smut (which are gladly accurate), but there is one fic where q is still pre-top surgery and its so wholesome

The thing with keeping a secret from your closest and best friend is that they eventually catch on. 

In Quentin's case, its Julia noticing that he's been dressing more... masculine. She casually brings it up while theyre having dinner at his house one night, and he feels his gut swirl. 

He stands up, probably too abrupt to be played off as needing to go to the batheoom. Julia and his dad both look at him, frowning at his sudden movement. 

"Sweetie? You ok?" His dad's voice is appropriately soft, but it still makes Quentin's stomach tug with dread. What the hell was he thinking? Why did he ever think this was a good idea? What if they hate him forever? What if -

"Danielle, hey," Julia puts a delicate hand on his shoulder, and he almost bursts into tears. "You can talk to us." 

He knows that. Despite his brain telling him that they'll never accept him as who he is, he knows that he can talk to them. 

So he lets it out. 

"I'm trans." It's out, and as soon as its out Quentin practically crumples in on himself, sobbing into his hands and falling back into his chair. Julia moves quickly, wrapping her arms around him, cooing softly in his ear and reassuring him that she still loves him. He hears footsteps, feels a firm hand gently grasp his shoulder, and he looks up to see his dad, looking down at him fondly. 

"Oh, sweetie," He murmurs, before pulling Quentin into his arms as well. "We love you."

Later, when Quentin has finally calmed down, he finally tells them in better detail. How he realised. When he'd found the online community. Choosing the name Quentin, and finding that it fit him better than Danielle ever had. Julia takes it in stride, beaming at him and hugging him close, saying she loves the name Quentin. His dad grins at him, pride shining in his eyes, and makes a joke about how now they can have 'guy talk'. 

Later, when Julia is asleep but Quentin is still mulling over things, he goes to talk to his dad. 

"Um," He stutters out, standing in the doorway of the living room where his dad is watching the game. Ted looks up, and a warm smile breaks out on his face. 

"Hey, son," His father says, and already Quentin feels his chest expand with euphoria. "What's up?"

"Couldn't sleep," He says, slouching into the couch and biting his lip nervously. They sit in silence for a while, before Quentin speaks up again. 

"I want to go on hormones," The way his voice cracks at 'hormones' makes him flinch, and he mentally prepares himself for his father to tell him that 'he's too young' and 'he may regret it'. 

Instead, his father looks over at him, smiles softly, and says, "I'll look into it." 

Quentin nods, and his chest has never felt lighter, despite the fact that he hasnt taken off his binder for the day (which he knows is bad, he'll take it off as soon as he can).

Quentin Coldwater, previously known as Danielle Coldwater, is 14 when he comes out, and it takes a month of talking with a therapist and starting hormone blockers for him to be ready to go on testosterone. 

Two years later is the first time he tries to kill himself. 

His mom, who he's hardly spoken to since he came out and all she said was "Who made you think that?", doesn't come to visit him once. When he gets out of the mental hospital after three weeks, she stops by the house to see him. She still calls him 'she', convinced this whole thing is a phase, which hurts. But he doesn't expect any less. 

The next few years, of him in therapy and transitioning, and eventually getting top surgery, are some of the best of his life. He finally feels at home in his body, and he has Julia and his dad there to support him. His depression and anxiety aren't cured by his transitiom, much to his dissapointment, but he has Julia, and she has him, and they have eachother. 

And for now, that's enough. 

Quentin Coldwater is 20 years old when he finally gets top surgery and legally changes his name and gender. Its costly, but he'll never have to worry about it again. 

He still has bad days, of course. He still gets dysphroia now and then, and he hardly ever dates out of fear of judgement. Most people he's with get a little weird about it, but there are the rare few that understand and accept him. 

When he gets accepted into Brakebills, his life gets a whole lot better. 

He meets Eliot Waugh, and finds out magic is real, and the Dean wants him to not take his meds, and its all so much that he almost breaks down over it. Luckily, he has Julia to catch him - because she's also a magician, theyre magicians - and they dive into the world of magic together. They make friends like Eliot and Margo, Alice and Kady and Penny. They go through Quentin trying his hardest to go stealth, and a teacher giving him a potion that helps his body produce his own testosterone. He cried for 3 hours after he found out, so unbelievebly happy that he didn't hsve to worry about the weekly shots. 

Through that, they go through hell during the Trials, they endure Beakebills South and Mayakovsky's shitty prescence, and when they get back, they're greeted by Eliot and Margo, both beaming proudly at them, ushering them inside. 

Eliot is... well, Eliot. He's magnificent, he's stunning, he's perfect, he's a god. 

And Quentin pretty much instantly catches feelings for him. 

He doesn't fall in love with Eliot immediatly, but he always feels so warm and fuzzy when theyre talking, and his heart hammers in his chest when Eliot touches him. 

Never in his life, did he think Eliot would actually feel the same way towards him. 

When he wakes up that morning after him and Eliot had told eachother how they felt, he feels light as air. 

He also feels a weight in his gut, that he couldn't possibly be enough for Eliot, that he'll be weirded out by him being trans, he won't actually want Quentin like that, why would he?

Before Quentin can spiral too badly, Eliot ends up coming to his room first thing, and their casual morning talk helps ease the anxiety in Quentin's gut. 

He decides that he can wait to tell Eliot. 

Except it ends up coming a lot sooner than they would have expected, when him and Eliot go on a second date a week later, and the air between them is thick with sexual tension. Quentin feels his anxiety build up as Eliot kisses him, and it spikes when his hand comes to grasp at his hip. 

He'd always hated his hips. When he was younger, before he'd gone on T, they'd been too feminine. After three years of being on T, they were less wide, but still... there. 

And Eliot was touching him there. Fuck. Fuck, Eliot was touching him and he was going to find out Quentin was trans and he'd be by it or mad Quentin never told him about it and -

"Q?" Eliot had pulled away, frowning down at him as he started to breathe sharply, hands shaking. "Hey, are you ok?" 

Quentin bit his lip, eyes flickering around the room, anywhere but Eliot. He shook his head. 

Immediatly, Eliot crawled off him, sitting next to him on the bed with a gentle gaze. "We don't have to do anything, I just - I don't know. I thought maybe... you were ready. But you're clearly not, so don't tell me you are." Quentin had opened his mouth, and he shut it now, looking down at his hands. His throat clenched and his eyes burned, and he bit down hard on his lip. 

Fuck. Ok. He can do this. 

"I'm um... I'm -" He cut himself off, flinching at his voice. Another inseciruty. "I'm... not like other guys." 

"Of course you aren't," Eliot said, smiling softly at him. "You're Quentin Coldwater, the cutest, nerdiest, most high-strung man I've ever -"

"I'm trans." Quentin said. He stared at his hands, swallowing and trying not to bite the inside of his cheek.

When he finally got the courage to look up at Eliot, he was gazing at him with a mixture of kindness and pain. 

"Oh, honey," Eliot sighed, sitting forward and pulling Quentin into his arms. "It doesn't make a difference to me, whether you're cis or trans or whatever else." Eliot whispered into his hair, kissing the crown of his forehead softly. "I - I'll still love you." 

Quentin gasped softly, shuddering, and he melted into Eliot's embrace, burying his face in his neck and letting out a soft sob. 

"I love you too," Quentin said softly.

They hold eachother for a while, Eliot gently rubbing his back while Quentin cries softly into his neck. 

And once again, Quentin felt like things really were good, and that he was going to be ok. 

**Author's Note:**

> the line that talks about q getting a potion that has his body produce its own testosterone is based on the concept in the new magicians graphic novel where a trans hedge witch gets a potion that helps her body produce her own estrogen. anyways i wish that were me so have q have it instead :,)


End file.
